Archive | September, 2012

Life

15 Sep

I haven’t ventured to blogging in quite some time. Tonight, I feel like I need to write down some of the thoughts and feelings I have been keeping to myself, even if no one reads it.

 

I am scared. Scared of what the future holds.

I used to swear I would never get old. Leaving this world before my body and mind gave up on me sounded perfect…And then I had kids. While I can’t imagine putting them through the horrible experience of a deteriorating parent, I can’t imagine missing out on the things that will happen when I am old. Now, I am afraid to die, when I never was before.

I am fighting with my faith. I believe 100% that there is a God. I know He loves us, and I am confident in my relationship with him…except I can’t simply except “Heaven”. Where DO we go? What happens? Do we remember anything?! I used to accept that Heaven was this wonderful place with out pain and full of joy…but now it all seems so lonely.

I do not want to outlive my kids. This fear is fed by a couple of different monsters. My VIVID imagination constantly playing “what if”. What if something happened while I am at work? What if the house burned down while I wasn’t there. What IF I CAN”T SAVE THEM!? – Once you add in the super energetic 6 year old with fragile bones…it just multiplies. I am afraid for them to be out of my sight!

Sure, I may come across as a worry wart. Just be panicking about nothing. This may all just be normal “mom” stuff. Before you judge, know this…I NEVER used to worry about death…it’s inevitable, right? Life was grand and I tried to enjoy every moment. Recently, it seems like I spend every day grasping at “moments” while they slip through my fingers and fade away.

These “worries” and fears started 3 years ago, after a series of deaths in the family. It really got me thinking about death and the “details”.

10 days ago my son started his first day of Kindergarten. Normal fears were compounded by the health issues he has. Mostly the physical aspect of it. Everyone says that it’s not what is on the outside that counts…and he has a BEAUTIFUL heart, soul, and personality. But whatever you say in contrary, words HURT. Kids will find the smallest, insignificant thing as ammo to pick on someone. My son is noticeably shorter than every other kid in his class. He has NO NECK what so ever. And is so energetic he can’t stop moving, even to sleep. When kids ask “why doesn’t he have a neck” … I put on my “mommy” pants and tell them “That is how God made him, he is special just like each one of us” … But, I am not on the playground. When he gets hurt (physically or emotionally) he tends to either freeze up, or go all “dinosaur” and growl. I can see how this could possibly cause problems in school. It is his way of coping, but it comes off pretty strange to most people.

I also can’t stop thinking about WHAT IF his bone disorder gets WORSE? What if he loses the ability to walk, run, play…What a cruel thing to happen to a child with endless energy!

 

If you stopped by, thank you for reading. I can’t promise when I will blog next. I feel so much better just putting all of these feelings into words.

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