Mother’s Day

12 May

I read a blog post this week that was posted several times on Facebook, titled “Why I hate mother’s day”. To begin, I just want to make one thing clear. I in no way feel “superior” to women who do not have children. I don’t know ANYONE who does. Yet, the blog says that “Ninety-eight percent of American parents secretly feel that if you have not had and raised a child, your capacity for love is somehow diminished…that non-parents cannot possibly know what it is to love unconditionally, to be selfless, to put yourself at risk for the gravest loss.” How is it that I ONLY know the 2% who don’t feel this way? Where do these 98% live? I have never met anyone who felt this way.
I acknowledge that it can be a day of pain for some people who may have lost their own mother, or their child. I acknowledge that for many it is a struggle to become a mother, a painful journey. I know women who went through hell to become a mother…and women who still are. Mother’s day is not a way to say that pain is not real. I in no way feel that my journey is better than/harder than any other journey. But, I should not be made to feel ashamed for being thankful for my mother and/or my children.
Mother’s day is not celebrated to put down people who are not parents and/or do not have parents. It is a day for children to show their love to their own mother; to acknowledge the importance of your own mother or mother figure in your own life. Even those without a biological mother has SOMEONE who has given them “motherly love” and advice.
I know how blessed I am. Today, I give thanks to my mother and all the woman who have given me advice or support through my life. From my own kids and husband, I would rather just spend the day as a family and get handmade cards and flowers picked from my own yard (including weeds). A hug and a kiss and an “I Love You”…
Today I spent over an hour feeling ashamed as my husband made me breakfast and people I love sent me messages wishing me a happy day. I am sure that the author did NOT mean to cause these feelings. I am sure that those who shared the post did NOT mean to hurt anyone. I wish that those same people knew that, by celebrating Mother’s day, no one is trying to make their struggle or pain any less important either.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

30 Dec

I can’t believe 2012 went by so fast! I am thankful for so many things! I am blessed beyond measure. Happy New Year!

 

 

Life

15 Sep

I haven’t ventured to blogging in quite some time. Tonight, I feel like I need to write down some of the thoughts and feelings I have been keeping to myself, even if no one reads it.

 

I am scared. Scared of what the future holds.

I used to swear I would never get old. Leaving this world before my body and mind gave up on me sounded perfect…And then I had kids. While I can’t imagine putting them through the horrible experience of a deteriorating parent, I can’t imagine missing out on the things that will happen when I am old. Now, I am afraid to die, when I never was before.

I am fighting with my faith. I believe 100% that there is a God. I know He loves us, and I am confident in my relationship with him…except I can’t simply except “Heaven”. Where DO we go? What happens? Do we remember anything?! I used to accept that Heaven was this wonderful place with out pain and full of joy…but now it all seems so lonely.

I do not want to outlive my kids. This fear is fed by a couple of different monsters. My VIVID imagination constantly playing “what if”. What if something happened while I am at work? What if the house burned down while I wasn’t there. What IF I CAN”T SAVE THEM!? – Once you add in the super energetic 6 year old with fragile bones…it just multiplies. I am afraid for them to be out of my sight!

Sure, I may come across as a worry wart. Just be panicking about nothing. This may all just be normal “mom” stuff. Before you judge, know this…I NEVER used to worry about death…it’s inevitable, right? Life was grand and I tried to enjoy every moment. Recently, it seems like I spend every day grasping at “moments” while they slip through my fingers and fade away.

These “worries” and fears started 3 years ago, after a series of deaths in the family. It really got me thinking about death and the “details”.

10 days ago my son started his first day of Kindergarten. Normal fears were compounded by the health issues he has. Mostly the physical aspect of it. Everyone says that it’s not what is on the outside that counts…and he has a BEAUTIFUL heart, soul, and personality. But whatever you say in contrary, words HURT. Kids will find the smallest, insignificant thing as ammo to pick on someone. My son is noticeably shorter than every other kid in his class. He has NO NECK what so ever. And is so energetic he can’t stop moving, even to sleep. When kids ask “why doesn’t he have a neck” … I put on my “mommy” pants and tell them “That is how God made him, he is special just like each one of us” … But, I am not on the playground. When he gets hurt (physically or emotionally) he tends to either freeze up, or go all “dinosaur” and growl. I can see how this could possibly cause problems in school. It is his way of coping, but it comes off pretty strange to most people.

I also can’t stop thinking about WHAT IF his bone disorder gets WORSE? What if he loses the ability to walk, run, play…What a cruel thing to happen to a child with endless energy!

 

If you stopped by, thank you for reading. I can’t promise when I will blog next. I feel so much better just putting all of these feelings into words.

LUL

20 Jul

According to Urban dictionary lul stands for “Lame Uncomfortable Laugh”. When I started to create a post, I didn’t know what i was going to write about. The first thought was that I had not posted in almost a year, had a lull. But, to be completely honest with you, I wanted to make sure “lull” was the right word. Now, my post isn’t about the long break in my blogging.

 

When Google directed me, first, to Urban Dictionary, I decited to play. That is where I found LUL…Have you ever just browsed on www.urbandictionary.com ? If not, you should.

 

Back to LUL. Dont you hate when you say something and immediately regret it? Like, once when talking about cutting your own hair, I said “if I did that, my hair would stick strait out…” while standing next to the girl who had styled her hair to stick strait out in back…uh, hahahaha? LUL

 

I am going to try to get back into blogging. I miss it. But I find when I start I am lacking topics. I will probably blog about my kids, what else is there in life?

 

Wowza!

27 Aug

One week from today, Kaeden will be 4! DISBELIEF!!! I remember the weekend he was born like it just happened! I also am a little surprised he made it 🙂 Remember when your parents used to tell you “if you don’t stop….youwont make it to your next birthday” for whatever reason, or whatever mischief you were getting into…Well, Kaeden is a mischief MASTER! Always into something or on someone’s last nerve! What a change from the sweet 6 pound 14 ounce bundle of joy that graced our lives on September 3, 2006 at 9:42 pm! With his dark hair stuck up in a mohawk & his BIG head and tiny little body, he stole the hearts of everyone he met! Here’s a glimpse into the night he stole our hearts! (sorry grandparents – I wasn’t in any condition to take pictures and we have NONE of the grandparents’ first meeting with their first grandchild)

It happened in slow motion but was a whirlwind at the same time….Love you to pieces, forever and ever, Kaeden Joseph Cowley!

Some Day

11 Jun

On this day, I knew we were in trouble.

 This is Karsten, he was supposed to be born the same day Bristol was supposed to be born. He wanted his own birthday, though, and is 6 days older than she is. This is the day they met. May 16, 2009. He was 11 days old and Bristol was 5 days old…It was Love At First Sight! They really are cute, aren’t they?!

We may have thought of this before, but that day it hit home…Some day, Bristol will grow up. Some day, she will have a boyfriend. Some day, she will be a TEENAGER. Some day, she will get married-have kids…Some day.

Well, Some Day has come too soon!  Sunday (June 6), at Church, Bristol and little Amos (who is 3 months older than Bristol) were sitting on my lap and she layed one on him. It was cute, but a little scary…This is TOO SOON! I kept thinking to myself. Little did I know, our little sweetheart hadn’t had enough! Today (June 11, less than a week later), our friends stopped by with their son Ben, who is 4 days older than Bristol. She practically chased him down for a kiss! Now, she totally had the advantage, since Ben doesn’t walk. The poor kid didn’t know what hit him! Oh Lord Help Us! What have we gotten ourselves into?

Today, Bristol is 370 days old

16 May

Today is Sunday, May 16, 2010 and my baby girl is 370 days old. 5 days ago she had her 1st birthday…WOW!

Friday at her 12 month well-child check she weighed 21 pounds 10 ounces and 29 inches tall! The doctor didn’t have to tell us that she is amazing. She is running around keeping up with her brother, and making us laugh and smile every time we see her!

Saturday, we celebrated her. We covered our house with pictures of Bristol. We played, enjoyed the company of people we love and… ATE CAKE!

I am torn between complete sadness that the last year has gone by so fast, and this feeling of absolute joy and pride that you get when you see your child growing up. Complete love and adoration that you feel for your children. A love that can not be explained with just those 4 letters.

Memories of where we have been, excitement for what is to come.